If I Let You Go
by thesongofwords
Summary: In which not everything is James' fault. Lily finally messes up and breaks James. Can they recover from it? WARNING: Updates will be very slow, apologies in advance. Rated T for mild usage of language


_If I Let You Go_  
_Chapter 1 - Nothing_

"Sirius, what the _fuck_ was that?" James shouted, as he stormed into the common room. His face was covered in dirt and mud, his clothes soaked through, a couple of deep gashes along his forearms.

Sirius stumbled in after him. He too looked a little roughed up, but not nearly as much as James did, and he was completely devoid of cuts and bruises. Peter followed him half a second later, his chubby face red and sweaty from the exertion of running but completely unscathed. Sirius was bent over, his hands on his knees as he panted, but he straightened up upon hearing James' furious tone.

"Prongs…" he began, his face apologetic. He looked at his friend, and James knew what he had to say.

"Sirius, you could have killed Snape! What the hell were you thinking, letting him into the Whomping Willow?"

"I…I don't know, it was supposed to be funny. James, I'm sorry."

James looked him square in the eyes, and saw how pathetic he was, and sighed. A rueful smile crossed his face. "You fucker…" he murmured, sinking down heavily onto the plush red sofas of the common room.

Sirius, upon seeing James' smile, let out a rumbling laugh and dropped down beside him, while Peter, sensing (rather belatedly) that the conflict had resolved itself, sat down on the floor, a nervous giggle escaping him.

"We should go up to bed," James mumbled, eyes shut.

"Yeah…we should," Sirius's voice was even less intelligible than James' was.

And so, it was in this fashion, that three quarters of the Marauders fell asleep.

* * *

_SMACK_

A stinging pain brought James out of his comatose sleeping state, and he opened those barely-awake hazel eyes only to see a furious Lily Evans standing in front of him. He looked around him, and winced, covering his face when he saw the blinding midday sun that had shot through the open windows. Another resounding slap brought his attention back to the livid redhead in front of him. Around him, Sirius and Peter stirred.

"Evans, what in the name of Merlin's wrinkly wanker –" he cried, clutching his cheek, which was quickly turning the same shade as Lily's hair.

"Potter, I _never_ thought you would stoop this low," she spat out, her eyes brimming with disgust.

James, now too incensed, stood up. "How the hell have I screwed up this time!"

"Don't you dare pretend like you don't know what you did. I know you tried to kill Severus, I know you tried to get Remus to tear him apart when he was in his werewolf form, Potter!" ejaculated Lily, heatedly.

James' face froze. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius shift as he heard the last sentence.

"What." James hissed, his eyes narrow.

"You sick bastard. You act like you're better than everyone, like your rich Pureblood parents have taught you 'better'. Well, head's up Potter, you're not. You're just as sick and as malicious as any one of those Death Eaters, yet you're always telling everybody that Severus is a Death Eater aspirant, when you're no better, you filthy hypocrite!"

James had turned white with rage. His jaw set in a hard line, and his eyes were devoid of any warmth. Sirius tried to get up, but James stepped hard on his hand.

"If that is what you think of me, Evans, then I bid you a good day." His voice, like his eyes, was cool and remote, and he walked away, leaving a stunned but no less wrathful Lily Evans. Peter scuttled after him, throwing Lily a frightened look.

Sirius got up slowly, looking as if he was about to say something when he saw the expression in Lily's eyes and closed his mouth. He turned away, hands in his pockets, a troubled look on his face and followed his two mates back into the boys' dormitory.

* * *

In the dormitory, James flopped down on his bed, the distant veil in his eyes suddenly lifted, and the hazel orbs were flooded with pain. He pinched the bridge of his nose, his brow furrowed.

Sirius ambled in, and upon seeing James lying on his bed, stopped. James heard the abrupt movement, opened his eyes, and forced a smile.

"Don't worry about it Padfoot. I'll just go apologize to her later, I mean who knows, she might even agree to going out with me next week, eh?" James' weak attempt to make a light-hearted joke only served to make Sirius guiltier. Before he could say anything, however, James got off his bed and slung his satchel onto his shoulder.

"I'm just going to go study, mirror me if you need me yeah?" And without a second glance back, James slipped out of the room.

Sirius and Peter exchanged worried looks, and the former sank down onto his bed, closing his eyes tiredly.

James walked into the library, and headed straight for his secret quiet space. As he walked, he thought about all the things he could say to Lily. It wasn't his fault? It was just a joke? It was actually Sirius who had done it and not him so she shouldn't hate him? He shook his head. None of them would mollify Lily.

Just as he stepped into the little cranny of the library, he froze. A head of flaming red hair could be seen right around the corner, only slightly hidden behind the large mahogany shelf. James winced, and was about to tiptoe away when

"Potter?" James spun around to meet the suspicious gaze of the girl of his dreams.

"Evans…hi." Upon seeing her raised eyebrows, he realized he would have to do better than that.

"Look, I'm sorry about earlier. It was an accident, we didn't mean for it to…well, it was supposed to be funny."

A fire was set ablaze in Lily Evans' eyes. "_Funny_?" she hissed. "It was supposed to be _funny_? I take back what I said earlier Potter, you're not just evil, you're sadistic and…I can't even look at you! I'm ashamed simply of being the object of your 'infatuation' if it really is one, seeing as everything's a joke to you!" She stepped forward, her tiny stature standing square in front of James' tall, well-built body.

"You listen here Potter, I will never go out with you. You are the most selfish, sadistic, immoral, hypocritical pig I have ever had the misfortune to meet. I would rather die than be associated with you because at least I wouldn't be going to hell."

She punctuated her last word by stalking off, her burnished hair flying in the wake of her fury.

James stood there, unable to move. His eyes were half closed, hazel turned dark with pain. He walked back to the dormitory, eyes seeing nothing, ears hearing nothing. In his head, Lily's words replayed again and again, like some awful tape stuck on replay.

To hear himself called every single thing he hated most in the world, and by the girl he respected most out of any student in the school, clawed at his heart, shredding it into long, bleeding ribbons of flesh.

As he climbed the stairs towards the Gryffindor Common Room, the Fat Lady, seeing his half-dead state, swung open without a word and James stumbled into his dormitory. Remus was back, lying on his bed, looking a little peaky but nonetheless well. Sirius and Peter had recounted to him the events of the previous night and he had nearly wept in guilt and shame.

"James," he stood up immediately upon seeing his friend crash through the door.

James looked up, and recognized with a bitter familiarity, the guilt in Moony's eyes. "Don't, Moony. It wasn't your fault at all. Don't you dare feel guilty about it."

"Prongs, what's wrong?" Sirius asked, seeing something devastatingly amiss with the person who had become his brother.

"Lily." And, with painstaking accuracy and detail, James recounted every moment of the last 2 hours.

* * *

"Stupid James Potter!" Lily screamed, as she stomped into her dormitory. Alice, Marlene and Mary were all sitting on their beds chatting, and not a single one of them even looked up or paused their trivial conversation to accommodate Lily's outburst.

Lily stopped. "Did none of you hear me or…"

Alice looked up, smiling sympathetically. "Lily, sweetie, of course we heard you. It's just, you've been screaming his name every time you walk into the room for the past 5 years, we've kind of just realized that you'd tell us regardless of whether we asked you or not."

Lily hmph-ed, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "Okay, sorry, that was pretty bratty of me to assume that you would stop your conversation just for me." Marlene chuckled and patted the spot on the bed beside her, on which Lily sat down, cross-legged. She waited, looking around at the faces beside her.

"Oh go on, just tell us," Mary said exasperatedly with an amused smile.

It was as if someone had flicked a switch inside of her. Words just started tumbling out of Lily's mouth, as she explained everything she had learned from Severus and her two conversations with Potter that day. She has no hamper in telling the other three girls every detail, even about Remus' lycanthropy, as they all knew about his "little problem" and had known about it since fourth year. When she finished her story, Lily found herself quite out of breath and she looked at her friends expectantly, waiting for their response.

"Well…Lily, you know we love you, and we really do. But this just…doesn't sound like something James would do!" Alice said, her plump friendly face looking earnestly at her friend. "I've known him since I was a tot and frankly, he's much too foolishly loyal to do anything of the sort. He'd never put Remus' secret in jeopardy like that." The other two girls nodded their agreement and too, fixed their gaze upon Lily.

"Surely you don't believe that? James Potter is an arrogant toerag, and he doesn't give a fig for anyone else's well being but his own! The only reason he's probably still friends with Remus is because he likes the adventure of having a werewolf friend."

Alice, Mary and Marlene exchanged looks and sighed. Nothing would change Lily's opinion on James.

"I'm so excited for Hogsmeade today, I really need to just blow off some steam," she murmured, laying down with a thump on the bed.

* * *

Back in the boys' dormitory, Remus, Peter and Sirius all sat back, looking stunned after James' retelling of the events of earlier that day.

"James, you're nothing like that! Don't believe what she says," Peter squeaked.

At this, James gave a sorry chuckle. "Thanks Pete," to which Peter beamed.

Suddenly, Sirius got up. He slapped James' back and said "Alright Prongs, we're going to get some good ol' Firewhiskey down you and you'll feel better in no time. C'mon boys, let's get Prongsy feeling better eh?"

"Maybe that's not the best idea," James murmured, looking to Remus for agreement. To his surprise, Remus shook his head.

"I think it'll be alright. We'll be there to watch you, and I'll definitely be stone cold sober. Anyway, you need something to take the edge off." Remus got up and grabbed his coat.

Sirius, upon getting over his shock that Remus was agreeing to a hearty night of drinking, roared in triumph and pulled James up, dancing and singing like the hooligan he was as he pushed his best friend out of the Gryffindor common room.

The Marauders rushed into Hog's Head, the icy wind biting at their ears and noses.

"You lot go find a place to sit while I get the first round," Sirius said, already unwrapping the heavy scarf and coat from around his frame. The other three nodded in agreement and went to find a booth in the corner.

"Two bottles of Firewhiskey with 4 shot glasses, if you please milady," Sirius winked at the young girl behind the bar. She giggled and brought up 2 slightly dusty bottles and 4 glasses, batting her eyes coquettishly at the indigo-eyed boy. He winked at her and grabbed the lot, sauntering back to the booth.

* * *

"Here you go, everybody except me, Moony and Pete's got to drink up," Sirius poured James his fifth shot. James laughed drunkenly and downed the glass in one.

"Alright, I think that's enough for one night, you don't want to wake up with a splitting headache," Remus tried to pull the glass from James' hand but he resisted.

"No! More Firewhiskey. Fire it up Padfoot!" He laughed boisterously at his own terrible pun and drank again.

Suddenly the laughter died out in James' eyes. "Padfoot. My friends." He looked around the table, an expression of deep pain on his young face. "Am I better of dead? Or should I just give up and quit?"

Every single person knew exactly to whom he was referring to.

"Jamesy…you're better off without her," Sirius said consolingly, patting his shoulder.

Remus, sensing a moment's weakness in James' insistence on drinking, helped him up. "Let's get you home Prongs,"

And so the four stumbled out again, Remus and Sirius dragging James along between them, with Peter running along behind to make sure he didn't trip.

A flash of burnt red appeared before them, as four figures walked out of The Three Broomsticks. Suddenly, James stood properly, his feet ceasing to drag along the street blanketed with snow.

"Lily! It's Lily! Lily, Lily, Lily!" James shouted desperately, his voice carrying through all of Hogsmeade. The redheaded figure turned around to stare at James. She was but a speck in the distance but he could see her clearly enough and she likewise to him.

"Prongs, dammit!" Sirius tried to muffle his voice by covering his mouth with a mittened hand but James drunkenly fought him off.

"No Padfoot! I can win her back, Padfoot, I can change her mind, turn it all around!" Sirius stared at his best mate hopelessly.

"She'll listen this time, Sirius! If she sees h–how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure." And with that, James rushed off. It took the trio a second to realize that their leader and best friend had bolted, but when they did realize, they ran after him, shouting his name.

James staggered as he ran but finally he caught up to her. "Lily!" he shouted, and he pulled her arm around so that she was facing him. "Lily," he whispered.

"Lily I'm still in love with you. Lily I'll always be in love with you. Lily please…" James fell to his knees involuntarily, hands shaking, begging as he stared into her emerald green orbs.

Lily was shocked. And horrified. She didn't know what to do, her mind empty of anything to say. So she ran. Mary, Marlene and Alice stared, desperately sorry for James, but they could do nothing except run after their friend.

James watched, eyes veiled with tears and snow, as the love of his life ran away. It was a few seconds until the rest of the Marauders caught up to him and it was then that he realized there was no one waiting.

The next hour was a blur. Peter, Remus and Sirius managed to haul James back up to the castle, undress his shivering body from the cold, wet clothes and change him into a new shirt and trousers. They put him to bed, murmuring gentle condolences but he heard none of it. As they left, they put out the candles and, with a hiss, James was left in the darkness to his own aching heart.

_**So, hi! Welcome to my new story, If I Let You Go. Through this story I basically wanted to explore the James and Lily's relationship but in a new way. I got so tired of seeing all the stories where James was the culprit and everything was his fault so...in this story not everything will be his fault and Lily's going to mess up to. **_

_**This last 'part' of the story was greatly inspired by the song Nothing by The Script (hence the title of the chapter). If you picked up on that, props to you! Hehe..no copyright infringement intended**_

_**Hope you all enjoy! Reviews are appreciated (:**_

_****__**xx S.**_


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